“You… Are the Slave Master”

I wish they would do reparations on Maury Povich. Think about it. “You… are the slave master.”

If there’s anything I’ve learned from “The Help”, it’s that white people aren’t necessarily afraid of touchy subjects, they just need them packaged in an entertaining way (They’re talking about it for the Oscars while Spike Lee and 40 Acres & A Mule Filmworks haven’t gotten their due yet. Can you say irony?).

People say it would be impossible to pay slavery reparations because it was so long ago and not every black person is a descendant of slaves. However, we have genealogy tests. Not to mention, the descendants of slave masters, traders and wealthy benefactors are still living off that wealth.

Think about a place like Colonial Williamsburg. It’s a slave plantation turned private historic foundation with the motto, “The future may learn from the past.” Meanwhile it’s owned by the Rockefellers, which literally means wealthy white people got our money both going and coming.

It took the Native Americans decades of litigation to get proper compensation for a fraction of the land they legally owned. Can you imagine what it would take for descendants of slavery to get compensated monetarily or with the property they were exploited on? Remember 40 acres and a mule?

Obama has apologized to Guatemalans for giving them syphilis in the 40s but the US has yet to apologize for slavery. That’s like a kid shooting up his high school but  only apologizing for giving the clap to a junior high cheerleader.

Malcolm X tried to bring the US up on charges of crimes against humanity in front of the United Nations and we all know how that ended.

In the face of these odds, there’s really only one reliable court left. Daytime trash TV. Black, white, red, brown or yellow, there are few things that bring people together like a Maury paternity test. Everything from the announcement of “You… are not the father,” to the victory dances to Maury laying game on the most emotionally vulnerable girls is a ratings dream.

The format would barely have to change for reparations tests. Just replace the paternity test with a genealogy test and IRS records. You might have to get more chairs but the Maury “family reunions” would be worth it.

Also, it wouldn’t be nearly as confrontational to white people as blanket reparations payments because they might actually win sometimes.

Either way, the victory dances would be exponentially more epic. If you thought Maury was pimping off consoling girls before, imagine what he could do with entire extended families.

Literally, everyone wins. Well, except for some benefactors that had their time coming anyway (I’m looking at you Poinsettes who are living off of Joel’s Poinsettia money).

Who says history and justice can’t be fun?

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